Who says a steady diet of fruit will keep your weight down? Since my return from an aborted TfN10, I’ve been feeding freely on chocolate (the rare profit from a mostly disastrous tour) and paying a rather heavy price. Yes, chocolate is fruit – fruit of somebody else’s labour.

A less documented but a hugely effective – as I’m discovering – way to weighing less is to use your less dominant hand for everyday tasks. I’m normally a right-hander. I’ve turned a lefty now. It’s taken me 47 minutes to write this much. I have used up 1053 calories in that time. What’s that you say? Sitting, thinking, typing doesn’t lose you calories? See pictures of Bobby Fisher when he was playing chess and that rare one after he stopped playing chess. You won’t raise that question…ever.

I’ve started eating with my left hand. It’s so slow and so boring, I give up half way. I eat less as a result. I haven’t managed it yet, but this way you could poke out an eye – yup, less weight on your body. And just to make sure you don’t cheat, break your dominant hand or a rib or two or three on that side. Painful, eh? No pain, no gain, buddy. I mean, no loss. As in, loss in this case is gain. What am I saying? Aaaaahhhgaaaahhhh!

Footnote: If I were very cogent and could explain myself, I would be in the guru business.