Unsaid/Too much said

How often have you felt that there’s that tad something that’s missing from an event, a speech, an article…? That something which leaves you waiting for closure without which you have a sense of unarticulated dissatisfaction?

The tagline of the latest Levi ad (in India – not sure if this is running elsewhere) is one that does that to me. ‘Go Forth’ it says. Something unsaid there. Then the missing piece, rather what it could be to my twisted mind, hit me yesterday…’Multiply’. If there’s more of you out there who were struck by that same blinding flash, I think this is one brilliantly subversive ad. Otherwise it sucks. Talking of which, here’s this really cheap one (given Rahul Dravid’s current run) from Nike – ‘Don’t hit The Wall, Hit the Road’. Aaaahgaaaahhh!

Are you being served?

Me: I’d like to order for a pizza, please

Pizza Delivery: Ummm…sorry sir, our server’s down.

Me: Should be coming back soon I suppose?

Pizza Delivery, confused: No, no, server’s down

Me, full of concern for the server’s emotional well-being: Needs counseling. Believe me, I know. I’ve read The Hitch-hikers Guide To The Galaxy and could totally empathize with that miserable robot Marvin.

Pizza Delivery, bewildered and probably a mite scared, hangs up.

Much of this happened only in my head. But why are we so reliant on technology? In this case, the pizza delivery could’ve just taken down my address and the coupon code and updated it after the server came back bright and shining after a boost to its limp psyche. But no, you need the server for normal service to resume. No surprise then that the server goes ‘down’ in the midst of such lameness.

Men in Black needed…

In India we treat men walking hand in hand in public as a normal event in spite of the ‘corrupting’, ‘mind-corroding’ influence of the West as a segment of our populace would put it. Even so, it gave me pause to gaze fixed in freeze frame, and once the thaw acted, to think about two men at a public event expressing to each other many times, in multiple and very eloquent ways, their knowledge of the existence of such a thing as a spine in their respective bodies. All very innocent and in rapt wonder. “Look at this…can you feel it? Yes? Yes?” “Oooh! You got one too?”

Man, I tell you…THEY are here amongst us and THEY look just like us.

Would you like a…

I was struck by a curious thought at a charity event hosted by a cancer care hospital when we were asked (very politely) for our business cards. Now the prominent use for such a collection exercise being marketing, I was naturally petrified at the thought of a call center employee calling me up. “Sir, do you have a cancer, any sort?” “No? Would you like one? You can choose from a wide variety.” “Why not? We can give you a free trial. You can pay for it later (you WILL pay for it)” “Please sir, this is a once-in-a-lifetime offer. We’ll give you a 20% discount on the subsequent treatment”.

Fortunately, not too many people read this – actually other than me no one does. I’d get slammed otherwise. This is definitely not meant to trivialize cancer. Perhaps a dig at call center and marketing operations. But certainly this is the rambling of a sick mind.

I need my tablet. Somebody beam me up an iPad2.

Pink…

No matter what shade of skin you wear, underneath you’re all pink (‘inspired’ shamelessly by much scraped skin and a pronouncement at the end of a hilarious music video ‘When the lights go down, we’re all black’)

Plate of fruit…

Who says a steady diet of fruit will keep your weight down? Since my return from an aborted TfN10, I’ve been feeding freely on chocolate (the rare profit from a mostly disastrous tour) and paying a rather heavy price. Yes, chocolate is fruit – fruit of somebody else’s labour.

A less documented but a hugely effective – as I’m discovering – way to weighing less is to use your less dominant hand for everyday tasks. I’m normally a right-hander. I’ve turned a lefty now. It’s taken me 47 minutes to write this much. I have used up 1053 calories in that time. What’s that you say? Sitting, thinking, typing doesn’t lose you calories? See pictures of Bobby Fisher when he was playing chess and that rare one after he stopped playing chess. You won’t raise that question…ever.

I’ve started eating with my left hand. It’s so slow and so boring, I give up half way. I eat less as a result. I haven’t managed it yet, but this way you could poke out an eye – yup, less weight on your body. And just to make sure you don’t cheat, break your dominant hand or a rib or two or three on that side. Painful, eh? No pain, no gain, buddy. I mean, no loss. As in, loss in this case is gain. What am I saying? Aaaaahhhgaaaahhhh!

Footnote: If I were very cogent and could explain myself, I would be in the guru business.